Posted on

The Grim Touch

Everyone who lost a loved one or a dear friend knows "The Grim Touch".

Most people don't know this fact about me, but I suffer from the severe depressions since I can remember, basically my whole life.

Even for me there are different types of depression, one of them I will call here "The Grim Touch". It's a special kind of depression, it doesn't come with the usual deep sadness and paralysis instead it comes equipped with an excruciating pain. Compared to a physical illness which phases pain, "The Grim Touch" will stay constant. Which makes it more bareable in a sense, because you can 'tune in' and it stays how it is. While a phasing pain is harder to 'tune in' to and is therefore perceived as worse.

Perception is the key for fighting "The Grim Touch", but there is no winning, because the "enemy" always retreats and eventually will strike again. Grief will leave once you learned to live with the fact that the person you lost is gone. Depression eventually will fade at some point, usually after much sleep and a lot of wasted time; days, weeks or even months. Even with experience and training it's hard to change your perception while you are suffering from an episode of "The Grim Touch". I would say I am rather experienced with Meditation, I even have some experiences with a few advanced methods. It took me about 2 hours to adjust my perception enough to change my perspective and to mostly phase out "The Grim Touch", at least for several hours.

In July 2015 I suffered from an illness (phasing pain) and I basically lived in agony for several weeks and this experience was good, because it changed my perception of pain entirely. That experience now helps me to deal with "The Grim Touch", yesterday I walked for over 3 hours, about 26 kilometres through Berlin. That helped me to push back "The Grim Touch" long enough to get some stuff in my apartment done and make myself something to eat. Since "The Grim Touch" came back several hours ago, I am writing this article while I am in agony. It's currently hard to form proper thoughts, I am constantly challenged by thoughts of surrender and minor bursts of frustration.

I used Meditation to address and to fix most of my depression triggers, of course there are still some around and the current episode of "The Grim Touch" will probably last at least until mid December. Daily Meditation, Sport and Yoga is creating just enough relief to keep on fighting, but it's still very tiresome.

But don't worry, I will keep fighting, I will keep learning and I will keep living.